Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh announced today that he is getting a divorce from his fourth wife, Kathryn Rogers. Limbaugh blamed his marital problems on President Obama's support for gay marriage, claiming that his own relationship simply could not take the strain of Obama's "war on traditional marriage". "Obama is forcing me to divorce my female wife and marry a man, folks", sputtered Limbaugh, between puffs of his big, smelly cigar. "This is Obama's world now and we straight, butch white males have no say in it at all. I am announcing my engagement to a long-time traveling companion who has accompanied me on many trips to the Dominican Republic. I know my engagement may seem awfully fast since my divorce to ... uh, Snerdley, what's that woman's name again? Kathryn? Right - since my divorce to Kathleen isn't even final yet. But folks, if I am going to be forced into a gay marriage by our Marxist president, it's going to be with a fabulous man that I have known and loved for a very long time. Uh, platonically, of course.", he quickly added. "My companion and I have a lot in common; we both have a love for giant cigars; we both prefer spending time with men rather than women, we both have a high tolerance for Viagra, and we absolutely adore taking trips to the Dominican Republic to hire young prosti, uh, masseurs to relax us."
"So there you have it, folks. This is what an Obama presidency has come down to. Forcing butch, straight males to marry their long-time traveling companions against their will. And I can assure you, it IS against my will. It really is. Now where's my wedding planner? I want to choose my cake and bouquet. Hey, I wonder if Elton John will agree to be my best man..."